do you know me at all?
*from an iphone note circa 2016 (?)
Vengeance: or, when I'm gone react the way I would.
Book of Numbers, the last few chapters, the pastor was preaching so well and my mind caught ahold of a thought. "How will you treat others when I'm gone, especially if they are people who have hurt me badly"? There was something in there about vengeance, and how it belongs to God, not us; but there was also something about God instructing His people to go and take His vengeance on other people. And my mind started moving: If I were raped or beaten or killed, if someone thought fit to cut off my hand, or slice open my body, or permanently maim me. How would my loved ones react?
For some, I know, they would be filled with and fueled by anger and rage. The wrong-doing onto me would outweigh the right-doing of them. But I would still be dead, if someone killed me. I would still be raped, if someone raped me. I would still be less an arm or leg or hand, if someone took a knife to me. No amount of anger, veiled as justice, would restore me. So why do it?
What does your anger say about me? How does your anger honor my joy? How does your hatred reflect my kindness? How does any of your reactions to my untimely demise show the world the woman I am? The woman I was? The woman I wanted to be?
The answer is simple: IT DOESN'T.
When I am gone, no matter if I die an old, decrepit lady who complains about "kids these days" or a youthful woman with "so many years ahead of her" react to others, to everyone, with kindness. Be forgiving of the people that have hurt me. The hurt that drives them was likely handed to them in the same way your hurt was handed to you. Don't allow it to infect you the way it has infected them. I don't need vengeance if I am dead. I don't require the same amount of hurt or violence against another if hurt and violence was done to me. Irreparable damage does not come undone when done twice over.
If I am gone; love people. Hug people! Invite people over for dinner when your house is messy. Let the tired, worn-out man sitting next to you on the train rest on your shoulder. Plant flowers and remember to water them, even if I never remember myself. Go to the beach on New Years Day and let the mighty ocean wash away all the bad from the year before and leave behind a clean slate to start fresh with. Talk to the people that matter most to you in ways that honor their position in your life while also speaking truth into their day.
BE HONEST!
Be honest about your anger, be honest about your hurt. Give those emotions their due and then tell them to run along. I wouldn't have held on to either very long, neither should you. Our emotions are special and specific but they are like 4 year olds with too much sugar and no one to tell them when enough is enough. They get crazy! And they make us crazy! And we make bad decisions when we only account for our rage, or our hurt. Vengeance is nothing but an emotion with no check point. It's anger with all the Halloween candy and no Mom. Give your anger a Tootsie pop and some Resse's Pieces and call it a night.
Be angry for me because it means you love me. Be hurt for me because it means you value me. Do not be vengeful for me though because it means you don't know me at all.